“How are you?”
If only I knew – I mean, if I really knew the answer to that question, I would tell you the honest truth. I appreciate that you want to know. I get it. I want to know how I am too.
“How am I?”…today? this second?
Compared to what? Compared to this morning?
Compared to before I ever got sick? (When I could not know what I took for granted.)
Compared to the 100 days after my first bone marrow transplant? (Unsure of when or how well I would recover.)
Compared to how much worse it could be? (Oh, let me count the ways. We could talk silver-linings all day if that’s what you are looking for, or if that is what I need just then.)
Compared to how much worse it will get before it can get better? (Because, unfortunately, that is a given.)
There are also so many things I wish I knew that would, incidentally, significantly affect how I am. If you follow CaringBridge posts for medical updates, then you essentially know what we know. Frustrated by the uncertainty? Have questions? Us too. We do not get to know how this will get worked out or to what end is meant. Most importantly, though, we don’t have to know. It will happen as it should, whatever that is. So, ‘how am I?’ The best I can sum up: better when I have faith in that fact and falling apart inside when it falters. Usually it is somewhere convoluted in between, in which case I will answer, “considering everything, I am doing well.” And to the best of my knowledge, that is the truth.
Link:
A Little Context
When I journal I typically write which song is playing at the time, and since relapse, I have been keeping track of songs that capture part of how it is on a Spotify playlist (Click ‘A Little Context’ above). As I find other pieces that resonate here and there (or they find me), the list will flesh itself out. After all, this is gonna be awhile.
*As a disclaimer, there are some songs marked ‘explicit’, some are tongue-and-cheek (sometimes?), and some are lovey songs to my husband in sickness and health (one of the only other things I know for certain).
Placid Noise 